I moved to another house....

And so,
After a hectic week, I moved to another place at Tabuan Jaya area, about 1.7km from my workplace. :D

I arrived here since last night.:)

Now, I have a little space of my own. Hehehehe.
This place is nice. I feel like home. I can cook,can do laundry and so on. I am no longer need to wait for my turn to take shower since my bedroom have attached shower. There is also park just opposite the house. I am very excited since I am on my way to reduce my weight.
I will start planning time to exercise.


And in order to reduce cost, I also cooks here.I will buy groceries soon after I get my car. :D
I can choose what I want to eat. The easiest menu shall be vegetables. And fish maybe. Hehehehe.


I will try my best to adapt myself in this place.:D

New Working Experiences.

Today is the 3rd Official day I am working,

Our office in Kuching had already officially opened on 17th of October 2015.

New working experiences,new peoples and new company. I already pray hard before that everything will turn out better, when I am here. :)

However, things are not meant to be as smooth as I thought. :(
I have to face someone who keep on downgrading me and think that I can't do anything.


I'm trying my best to deal nicely with him.
I'm trying to not be over sensitive and try to assume that this is just a trial for me. :)

Hopefully, things will get better soon.

God bless me.

The struggle is real

So many times I had to remind myself to keep calm and to keep on going on with my life.
I hate dealing with life issues. But now I have to and I have nobody here to help me.
I have to do everything on my own.

Second day in new place, I just spent my time looking for place to rent. I am not really comfortable in my current place due to privacy issues. I choose to move to another place next month.
Sometimes when I re-think about my life, I feel like I am working just to finish back my money on paying bills.

I feel stupid.
I  don't know If I am happy or not here.

If I am not happy, I'll move on,

Everything that make me feel uneasy, I will just leave it. Life is too short to keep on doing things I don't like.

Either it is a work life or Love issue, I decided to just leave it and move on if I continuously being unhappy with it. Try me. 

Auld Lang Syne....

The time is near for me to bid adieu.
I got mixed feelings but I know, no matter what, I have to face it.

This is just a process for me to grow. And to learn how to live and survive. Everything happened for reason. And I hope this time, it is for good.

People always told me, improve yourself before I'm old. I am always worrying that I will not do something beneficial for myself.

I get nervous going into that new place.
What should I do in the beginning? How to impress my new employer? Can I do the task given?

I am worrying too much.
I just hope that everything will be fine in the end.

God bless me for my next journey.

xoxo,
Diana

The Last Goodbye.

I saw the light fade from the sky
On the wind I heard a sigh
As the snowflakes cover
My fallen brothers
I will say this last goodbye

Night is now falling
So ends this day
The road is now calling
And I must away

Over hill and under tree
Through lands where never light
has shone
By silver streams that
run down to the sea

Under cloud, beneath the stars
Over snow and winter's morn
I turn at last to paths that lead home

And though where the road then takes me,
I cannot tell
We came all this way
But now comes the day
To bid you farewell

Many places I have been
Many sorrows I have seen
But I don't regret
Nor will I forget
All who took that road with me

Night is now falling
So ends this day
The road is now calling
And I must away

Over hill, and under tree
Through lands where
never light has shone
By silver streams that
run down to the sea

To these memories I will hold
With your blessing I will go
To turn at last to paths that lead home

And though where the road then takes me,
I cannot tell
We came all this way
But now comes the day
To bid you farewell

I bid you all a very fond farewell

Only Me and You.

I just had a dream that you were far away
And that someone else was in your arms today
Though I know it's just a dream
Still my fear is so extreme
Cause I know that dreams could sometimes be so true
And I'll be blue....

Then I told myself
That I will stay the same
Even if you hurt me, I will take the blame
You are all I'm livin for
I would love you even more
I would keep the pain inside my door

It's enough for me that I have come to love you, I see
Because the heart I have could only want you
I just want you to remember
Even if it takes forever

I would wait until the world is through
When all that's left is
Only me and you

Yes I told myself I'd always stay the same
Even if you hurt me
I would take the pain
You are all I'm livin for
I would love you even more
I would keep the pain inside my door

I'll wait for you
You know it's true
Until I can now be with you
When all that's left
Is only me and you

Counting the Days

Last week, on 24th of September, I had tendered my resignation letter to my current company since I got another job offer from another places. :D

It's been 2 years I've been working in this current company and this project. And within 2 years, many things happened. Unexpectedly.
People always tell me, just go on with the flow. Let's thing happened on you, Appreciate every moment you're still breathing.

I can say that within 2 years, I have met many people that change my perception about life. Those who always told me to not giving up. And those who told me enjoy my younger life because I'll regret it when I am older. Those who taught me that doing things against the human nature were just fine. 2 years and I am no longer myself that I used to know when I was 23.

I fell in love. I get hurt. But I still hold on because sometimes, heartache is even worth than losing the love you always wanted for your life.

I am counting the day I'm leaving soon.
I don't understand what happened but... I feel like leaving is a big burden for me to handle right now. :(
It's not about I am afraid of what's going next. But I am afraid being parted. Being parted from the people that I love. I cannot bear the feeling of being lonely.
I know everything happened for reasons. But at least, I am wishing I know the reasons.

I am trying to comfort myself that I will be ok. We will meet always. Never stop keeping in touch.
But still, I cannot help myself from crying, whenever I was thinking about being parted.

God....
I just hope I knew the reasons.

Thinking About My Uncertain Future

I started to trust Alvin Tan's ideology about migrating. Never make money as an issue to start the plan. He was right that I am just lazy. Lazy to think and to start a life. There's a lot of my friends who were working abroad and still live gracefully. I am just afraid and lazy,indeed. In 3 years I hope, I will be at another country for the life I always wanted. 3 years to find some courages and to properly planning about things I shall do. Alvin is an example of illegal migrate that can survive and having a happy life till days. And Tuan Pham and Kubota san were another examples of Asian who used to live and studying in USA and yet became successful person in life. If you have a dream to change, then go on. Especially when you don't want to stuck in the same life and story forever. God bless me then.

When you fall in love again

Next time when you fall in love again,

find a man who never change the way he treated you since the first day he tried to get to be close with you. Because that was what made you fall in love with him.

And that was the thing that you will get used and when he stop doing that to you, you will feel some kind of emptiness, more to insecure. 

Next time when you fall in love again, find a man who tell you he loves you every single day and make sure he meant it. :) Because sometimes, he never can love you 100% even when you devoted all your life and your dignity for him. Sometimes you gonna lose yourself. He will make you feel insecure but never thought about it. You will be the only one who struggling too much because you are afraid he will change his feeling, sooner or later. 

Next time when you fall in love again, find a man who loves you more than you love him. Because you will suffer a lot, thinking and worrying about losing him, while in fact, you are the option. :) 

Nobody said It was easy

Because sometimes you can't force things to happen based on what you want.

Sometimes you just gotta follow the flow. 

In the end, you will realize, nothing last forever. 

If somebody thought that it is okay to Giving up on you, never force them to try one more time.

Because it will never be the same. 

You just gotta accept it. 

And letting go things. 

What If I don't be someone the society told me to be?

What if I choose the wrong path in my life?

When I was younger, I live within a society in which people will decide on how to mould someone to be a perfect human being.
You have to be educated, have moral value, doing good deeds, going to Church and admitting your sin, marrying a loyal man, have kids and live together with your spouse till the day death separate both of you away.

I did follow 80% of the 'perfect life' rules but then I get bored.
Following the man-made rules didn't make me a happy person. Like seriously.
I feel happy when doing things that against the law. But I never killed people. :)

I have too many perception about life and how to live. People told me to have secured job, saving money for the old day. Instead, I save money for the rainy day.

People will tell me, I will be regretting my life because I choose freedom than happiness.
But nobody ask me what is the definition of happiness for me.

When I told them, "I don't believe I will stuck in this kind of life forever," they laughed.
" I believe that one day I will leave this place and continue living my live somewhere else based on my own rule about how to live,"
They told me I will do a big mistake and will regret.

Do you really think so?

If I choose the wrong path and live miserably. Do you think I will regret? Not really. Nothing last forever. Someday it will gone. Someday I will die. 
Someday I will die. 

Regards,
Diana

Every Woman's Dream

Many days passed, I don't really knew either I wasted it or living my best for it. Too many things happened recently. I know everything happened for reasons. And I am on my way to reveal it. :)

Things are not meant to be hide forever. If you have something to achieve, try to achieve it sincerely. I've too many lesson to be learnt in just a few days. I am lack of sleeping because I think too much. I stopped talking with my family because I am afraid they will ask about me.

I am afraid of what will happened to me in the future. I have too many dreams to achieve. But with my current life-style, I don't even knew how to start.

I wanted to have a normal life. When I was young, I always imagining myself having a good career. Becoming the best I can be. I am a good student during campus life. I never failed to get good results in any exam. I might be blessed to be clever. I find job almost easily because of God's bless and maybe also due to strong educational background I get when I was younger..

I grew up believing in God's Will and God's Wrath. I am always afraid of  karma. I avoid sin most of the time even with the fact I am not a religious person. I just believe in doing good deeds. To other, to myself and also to my family.
However, nobody is perfect. And so do I. *sighed

I almost lost my dream to have a grand wedding, attend by my relatives and friends. Marrying to a right man which is belong to me 100% and can accept me for what and who I am. In which, I shall devoted 100% of myself also for him, during the good and hard times (as mention in the bible). Having a comfortable house, cute babies... and grow old together.
I still hope I can have it. Maybe I just need time to reminisce back myself and get back to the track.
Oh dear God... I am praying for my heart salvation.

Slowly but surely, I will get back on my track. I just need time and the right person to bring myself to where I shall belong to.
Don't tell me it's hard to move on.
Somebody told me, If I sincerely have the will and courage to move on, God will make a way for me.

Still counting the day to start the day where I can be happier than today,
God bless.
Diana

The day I promise myself to...

After keep on being in constant dilemma about life...
I promised to myself that I will give up on everything that I've planned about my life and future.

This time, I am giving up.

I will just go on with life.

I just wanted to be happy.

That's all.

Life Goes On. Move On.

Recently, I realized that I am being so denial. I am in the state of delusional. I've been struggling and thinking too much.

I am in the middle of new life path. I am struggling to find another career path for me. In which, I guess I have failed it. There are times when I almost nailed it. I am very sure that I can have it. But in the end, everything remain silence. I am putting myself in a risky relationship that I am struggling to keep. And go on. But at the same time, I have the thought that I have to start reminiscing back about it.

I am a paranoid.

But how If I am actually not and everything that I am afraid to be happen, will happened sooner?

Girls Day Out #1 Weird

After working, It's been so rare for me to spend my time with friends. :)

But not on 10th May 2015. After too much of postpone and pending date, I decided to make it on 10th May 2015. Here's my girls. 

Getting gorgeous and yeah. 

We are still the crazy bitch as befor. 

Actually, there are only 3 of us but nevermind the drinks

Me, Honeylet and Sabby

Outrages Sabby

We tried the Japanes photobooth for RM13 and
we cannot believe we really transform into something.
Pretty yet weird.

Typical Toilet Pose

Books Bought

My babes.



Soon, we will meet again in the next chapter of Weird girls day out.
we shall grow old together BFF.
I don't want to be alone at the older ages.


LOVE,
Diana

The day I started to recall back and re-counting my blessings

Sometimes I think I have being so immature for thinking too much about other's opinion about me and get upset. :/

I'm getting upset over small things in which whenever I recall back about it, I felt regretted.

When I was still in my campus, my life was so limited that I cannot get everything that I want. I always wish that I will finished 4 years course faster because I  want to get job as soon as possible. I promised to myself that anything can be, as long as I can afford myself and helping my family a bit.

Then, in no time after I grad, God grant my wishes and I got job even before I was officially graduated. Because there's a god's word mentioned in the holy bible, "ask and thou shall be given". Ask and you will be given.

But what happened next, I started to complaint. I started to think that things happened not based on what I wanted. Then I started to feel down and giving up.

Fortunately, I am somekind of person who doesn't like to take action based on emotion except when I was sure that I can handle the consequences. I tried to calm down and recalled back everything that made me in this situation, at the first place.

So, whenever I started to give up, I tend to remind myself about what I already promised to myself before this.

By the end of the day, all I did is to calm down and start counting every blessings that I have.

God bless.

Regards,
Diana

Aim for the Moon, If you miss, you still land among the stars.

My room decoration ^_^

Last week, I've spent my time decorating my room wall with the glow in the dark stars and moon. I always get inspired with things I heard or saw in TV or books.

Because there's a phrase saying that we shall try to aim for the moon, if we fall, we will still fall among the stars. This taught us that, there is nothing wrong to dream big and to force yourself to aim for the best. If you cannot get it, at least you will still get the good one. Finger crossed. 

I am always trying to get the best for myself. But sometimes I wasn't lucky enough to achieve my dream. Nevermind then. I have reading a lot of motivational quotes and books. And every books told me to think positive and continue living, based on my own translation of the book. There's a lot of choices and opportunity out there. I just need to discover it without giving up until I get the right one. ^_^

How God save me from the wrong opportunity.

I got few job opportunities recently but I guess, I cannot be fit with any of them. How sad. But life goes on.
However, I was blessed as God had saved me from the wrong opportunity and wrong employer. I had been called by a guy from peninsular Malaysia, offering job for me, which actually made me feel a little bit excited because that was one of the career that I would like to try to. However, thing goes wrong when he "suddenly admitted" that he just wanted to use me and my body and willing to give money to me if I am willing to do it for him. Go find another bitch man.

Like seriously, I want job and I am offering good service for your company. I might need money but it doesn't meant, it will cost my dignity for it.

Forgive him God, for he didn't knew what he was doing. *I blocked him from my whatsapp because I don't want to keep in contact with people like that*

How God Gave me hint to continue move on and wait for the right chances

As I browse my facebook page while thinking about how's things gonna be in the end, suddenly I saw this, posted by my friend. :)

Maybe I just need to wait. Maybe things will happen when the perfect time has come. Not so soon. Not too late. Just on the perfect timing, it should happen.*keep in faith. God bless.

I knew everything had been written and destined.
But it doesn't mean I should stop trying.

Life goes on dear friends,
either we are ready or not. Just pray that everything will be fine eventually.

Regards,
Diana

Gifts of Hope

Recently I have been thinking too much of what going to be happen in the future. I am always afraid of obstacles. I am not somekind of pessimistic but I am tend to worry over problems that might be happen in the future.

I think, I inherit this 'over thinking' brain from my dad. He always worrying about things, about money and so on. And most of the time, it will be about money. I grew up as a woman who thought that money is the root of everything. Money can't buy happiness but without money, you'll gonna feel like dying. :/

My friend used to ask me about things I fear the most. And my answer was like, "Having no job. Not well-established and cannot afford myself and my family. I have a lot of bills to be paid. Now and forever." Sounds like bluffing but this is the truth. I have to pay my educational loan, my dad's car loan and soon might be having to pay my own house. My youngest twin brothers will further their study soon and I guess, they will also use a lot of money. Damn. I cannot imagine how struggle I will be, sooner. I am trying to convince myself that, God will make a way, when it seems to be no way.

Back to my prior intention to write this post.
I sometimes did a post mortem about myself and my stupid expenses every month. When I knew some people who make lesser income than me every month but still have the courage to work and to struggle, then I have no excuses for myself. I am unmarried, young but already made some good amount of money( for my level) but rarely being grateful of what I already have. I have to remind myself everyday to cherish every blessings, before it's gone.

After spending my whole day in office, thinking about life, I started  to decide to get involve in charity and volunteering activities, especially for humanity and for the needy.I did sign up for some volunteering causes but if I was unable to attend myself, I will prefer to just donating some amount of money.

I was always thinking what is the main purpose I'm living everyday.
Then I choose to answer my question back, as simple as I can;
First, because God don't want me to die yet. There's a plenty of oxygen all around me for me to breath and living.

Second to realise that, life is real. No matter how life's gonna treat me, I have to continue living, either I was ready or not.

Third, I live in order for my own pleasure. And to realize that not everything is possible in this world. Sometimes it might going to be happen but not as soon as possible... but someday. Like, I was thinking of driving a Maserati today but I can't get it tomorrow or next week but maybe 20 years later I will. Kidding. I don't want to invest money for luxury car. :D

And the last one, I was living in order to learn on how to be grateful. To start appreciating every blessings I have, big or small. I might not well established, but I have to be grateful that God sent a good man for me to support me.

After my family, I always wish that somehow I can contribute to the world. For the needy people. For humanity. Then I decided to start donating for charity and for church at least one in a month. ^_^
My next life goal is to share what I have with those who need it. At least I did something good for myself and for those who need it.

I decided to give not because I am rich.
But because I knew how does it feel, when you have nothing.

God bless,
Diana Erika

Weekend well spent @Beringgis Beach Resort

It's been a while since the last time I post something on my blog.
I don't really have time for myself actually recently. Too busy devoting myself for other people and other things. haha.

So last week, I mean on 14/15/16 March 2015, I have been spending my leisure time at Beringgis Beach Resort in which located at Papar, Sabah. Thank you so much to my beloved occasional sponsor-er for this. <3  

So we went there during the weekend, at the same time, there's another event held, which was the golf tournament.

The Garden

The room in which we stay

I wake up to this-the view from the balcony.

I was so impressed with the overall designs and comforts. However, I have to admit that it was a little bit creepy during the night time. Especially when there was a huge tree in front of the room. I always imagining somebody was hanging there, looking at us, So creepy, Lol

I have been spending my Sunday morning almost alone in this place. The cafe @Cabana cafe was a bit afar from my room and I have to go for a long walk to go there, The foods were nice and the staffs were so friendly. :D

@cabana cafe and Bar

What I bought from the bar during the happy hour. hihihi

Due to my ultimate loneliness, I decided to spend my time at the spa. I pay about RM 158 for their signature whole body massage and foot massage. I don't really mind spending long hours at the place since I am actually a spa lover. I love to get massage since I always working more than 12 hours 6 days per week. You might understand the tension of working too long. I always love to pamper myself because I concern about my health. Occasional body and foot massage will help me to have better blood circulation. Not forgot to mention, I also have fortnights routine to visit my favorite woman( she was not at Beringgis fyi. haha), who will conduct facial+sauna for me in which she will charge me with reasonable price. Salute to  her!

Tamarind Spa @beringgis

The entrance decoration inside the spa

I need to take bath here before get massage

Done! inside the massage room.

By the end of the day, I get out of my room since 4.30pm because I am hungry and I was planning to watch the sunset at the beach. I was so impressed with the idea " I have a dream to watch the sunset with you, before I die".

Too shiny

Hahaha

@the beach near cabana

I never felt ashamed to take selfies in the public. :D

The sun start to hide itself at 6pm. And the scenery turn out to be very mind blowing. The saddest moment when I looked around me, many couples were there. Holding hand and might be they were promising something good with their partner while making the beautiful sunset as their witness.

I am the only one who sitting there alone while thinking, "someone that I love should be sitting there besides me instead of my bag and my shades." Nevermind then, life goes on.

Sunset silhouette at Beringgis 

The ultimate view of sunset

And then, time passing by so fast. I hate the fact that every good things ended by so fast. That was what always happened to me. So sad. Nothing good last forever. But life goes on, either I am ready or not.

So I hope, I will visit another interesting place again soon.
I started to count every blessings that I have.
Thanks God.

Regards,
Diana Phillip

The myths of Purity

“For women especially, virginity has become the easy answer- the morality quick fix. You can be vapid, stupid, and unethical, but so long as you've never had sex, you're a "good" (i.e. "moral) girl and therefore worthy of praise.” ― Jessica Valenti, 

“While boys are taught that the things that make them men--good men--are universally accepted ethical ideals, women are led to believe that our moral compass lies somewhere between our legs. Literally.” 
― Jessica Valenti, 

I have been thinking about this since I don't know when, but I'm sure that was when my brain started to function correctly.

I called it double standard. In which, people made funny meme, telling the world that when a guy fucked with many girls, that doesn't make him a slut but a 'master-key' who can opened as many keys(women) that he loves. But when it comes to women sleeping with many guys, she was officially a slut. A bitch. A hooker. Whatever you may call her.

I still remember a few months back, when I had the chance to hang out with a friend from Vietnam, who spent his life mostly living in USA. I can say that I am actually like  the way he explaining things and his perception about things. I still remember the times he asked me if I already have boyfriend or not. And then he asked me if I was a virgin or not, because he said, I have a great figure in which, usually owned by woman who's having great sex life.

"I am 24 years old and I never slept with anybody. I am not a bad girl," I told him. And then he looked at me astonished. "Do you said, having sex is bad? making you a bad girl?"

That was the day I started to open my mind for things I never wanted to accept. I was raised within a culture in which, teaching me that as a woman, we shall be 'pure' till the day of our marriage. That was the biggest sin to lose virginity If I am not marry yet. I will be worthless and lost my dignity. I will be labelled as a Bitch, and my parent will never be proud of me. Nobody will marry me if I am not a virgin anymore. That's it. These advices haunting us for years.

I used to ask my parent, "Why man don't want to marry me if I am no longer pure?" then they replied," Because having sex before marriage is a sin and only slut doing that. You are not a slut," "How if I get marry with someone who already not pure? I am marrying a man-slut then?" Unfortunately, the term and condition was only applicable to women. Not men.

That was the day I understand that, I can be clever, pretty, asshole, dumb and so on, as long as I am still a virgin, I can be proud of myself. Women's morality will be judged based on the word "virgin or not". I can say that I am a bit disagree with it, but what can I do?

The easiest way to make myself less valuable is to have sex. Don't mind about my past achievements. My greatest things that I already did for others. As long I am not a virgin before getting marry, I am no longer valuable. Easy as that.

"You will never be happy in your life, If you commit sex before marriage" that was the ultimate curse I ever heard. Whatever then.
I thought God will forgive people's sin.
What is the purpose of praying and asking for a good life when in the end, sex will make your whole life miserable.

I thought that going to garage won't make you a car, Going to church won't make you a saint. And having sex won't make you a slut.

The Day I started to realize, I am beyond Imperfect.

The good old days. I want my old figure back

Recently, I had spent most of my time wishing I was someone else. I am not really sure what had happened to me, but I keep on feeling that I am beyond imperfect.

I became so pessimistic. I don't want to see the good things that I have. I keep on searching my weaknesses and feel sorry about it.

I started to blame myself for not taking care of myself.  I keep on thinking I am supposed to be better than this.

I hate looking at the mirror recently. I was like, I don't feel like I had doing something better for myself. I hate my face. I hate my hair. I hate my body. I hate myself.

Maybe I am just too emotional. I hate to accept the fact that I am actually nothing but why I behave like I was something. I blame myself for making people liking me, falling in love with me and most of all, I blame myself for letting the good guy to love me.

I am beyond imperfect. I don't have something to be proud of. I am too ordinary to be special. I am so pessimistic. I am the example of worthless.

You have wasting your time trying to love me.
When I don't even try to love myself.


Diana

Wish Upon a Wishing Star

Just so you know,

I need to control myself 

I shall not let others see me crying

Pretending I do not care about you 

Wish not thinking of you 

Blame myself for not having courage to face this.

My heart hurts that I could not breathe

I could not find footprints that you left

Open my eyes looking at you 

But I am helpless 

To let you disappear from my eyes.

I could not find the reason to be strong 

Could no longer feel your warmth

Tell me where is the star universe

Does the place have an end...

So I wish upon a wishing star…

Let you know I love you .

And I don't want to be apart from you. 

Even for a Day.

If you are given 100 Years to live, I will wish to live 100-1 years

So I will live everyday with you by my side, till the last breath I take.

Diana Erika Phillip

New Chapter in Life

When a woman did something extraordinary, that's mean she's going to change her life.

Latest books in my reading list

I am not an occasional book readers, but when I did, that's mean I am thinking of doing something.
At this moment, I am thinking on rectifying my life. I need better planning. I am afraid of failure but at the same time, I was so optimist that I still can change my life and creating a better future for myself. God bless me.

Moment like this

It's been a hectic life for me recently  I guess.
I am not that kind of people who can handle long term pressure and stress. I always need some refreshments and doing things that can make me happy. I love spending time with people whom I love. I love sharing good moment with important people. I never get bored hanging out especially with those who I can count on to make me happy.
Throwback time when I'm enjoying good foods, nice conversation that make me feel alive... I knew someone was meant so much for me when I get butterflies whenever I'm with him. :)

Settle Down

And this wise man said,

"Don't marry for sex, don't marry because you are of age.
don't marry because you are getting old,
don't marry because you are lonely, don't marry
because you need someone to support you
financially, don't marry because you mistakenly got pregnant.
don't marry because you don't want to
lose the person, don't marry because of family
pressures, don't marry because you like the idea of marriage and admire every wedding gown you see.
don't marry because all your friends are getting
married.
But get married because you are in love, get married cos he or she is your best friend and when that love is no more he or she can still make you smile...-John Dumelo

#somedayiwillgetmarried