Even my shadow will leave me sometimes when the sky turn grey

Let me walk by my own, freely

Sometimes in life, I think I shall be capable to handle situation and to trust myself whenever I wish to do something, especially when it comes about decision I have to take that can affect my whole life.

I get angry when people try to manage my life and make decision for me, like they are going to be with me forever to handle the consequences after that. *sighed.

I am 25 years old which is mean, averagely I will have another 40 years to live.
Over the time, I get confused on how to live the right way because I cannot understand my parent's upbringing to me. Like, my mom complaining that dad was stingy and don't want to buy things she need and dad said, money is the root of everything and he had to 'save' money for the future and mom's necessity was not really important.  I grew up thinking that I had to marry a rich man or become capable by myself, so I won't end up frustrated and will not worry about things that will happened in the future. *facepalm.

My mom always remind us to study hard, should possessed good jobs in the future, and we should capable to handle ourselves just in case anything bad happened, since we (me and my siblings) were kid. Being reminded like this from time to time, I get over thinking about how to survive my adult life. Like, fuck life. Are you really this bad? Why I have to worry about life since I was about 15 years old... like, worrying how much money I can make after I get job. Can I afford myself and my family?

And then I get afraid of facing the life. I get paranoid of making a wrong decision. There's nobody really understand the real me and what actually inside my fucking mind.

I once had a friend who always telling me, just go on with life. Nothing really matters. I still remember he told me, " Nothing really matters to me in life. Because I always just follow the flow, When good things happened, that's my luck. When bad things happened, that will not last forever,"
Just like our friendship that was not last forever, he left when I still need guidance to understand what actually I have to do for living.

And then I made up my mind, whenever I have to take decision, I have to think carefully and I have 5 years planning ahead. I always put my self in between of "faith and destiny" and "struggling to achieve what I need". Often time, I never include anybody whenever I have to make decision, especially when it can affect my life for a longer period. Because, when somebody help me to take decision, I cannot guarantee s/he will be there for me forever to face the consequences together with me. Even my shadow will leave me sometimes when the sky turn grey, how do you expect me to trust people to stay with me "forever". No. No things like that. Most of the time, I am the one who gonna help myself.

Well, for the time being, I am still struggling to have more stable life. I sometimes had the idea to include my dad in my decision. Like, I am going to buy new car. I need 3 months to sum some amount of money in my bank. To plan perfectly on how I'm going to manage my money for car, another expenses, bills, loan and so on after this. I sometimes had the idea to ask my dad to help me to pay but then I re-think again, why I have to do this. My dad will not going to live forever to support me. At this age, I am supposed to start living my own and pay on my own.

God bless.