Moment like this

It's been a hectic life for me recently  I guess.
I am not that kind of people who can handle long term pressure and stress. I always need some refreshments and doing things that can make me happy. I love spending time with people whom I love. I love sharing good moment with important people. I never get bored hanging out especially with those who I can count on to make me happy.
Throwback time when I'm enjoying good foods, nice conversation that make me feel alive... I knew someone was meant so much for me when I get butterflies whenever I'm with him. :)

Settle Down

And this wise man said,

"Don't marry for sex, don't marry because you are of age.
don't marry because you are getting old,
don't marry because you are lonely, don't marry
because you need someone to support you
financially, don't marry because you mistakenly got pregnant.
don't marry because you don't want to
lose the person, don't marry because of family
pressures, don't marry because you like the idea of marriage and admire every wedding gown you see.
don't marry because all your friends are getting
married.
But get married because you are in love, get married cos he or she is your best friend and when that love is no more he or she can still make you smile...-John Dumelo

#somedayiwillgetmarried

Even my shadow will leave me sometimes when the sky turn grey

Let me walk by my own, freely

Sometimes in life, I think I shall be capable to handle situation and to trust myself whenever I wish to do something, especially when it comes about decision I have to take that can affect my whole life.

I get angry when people try to manage my life and make decision for me, like they are going to be with me forever to handle the consequences after that. *sighed.

I am 25 years old which is mean, averagely I will have another 40 years to live.
Over the time, I get confused on how to live the right way because I cannot understand my parent's upbringing to me. Like, my mom complaining that dad was stingy and don't want to buy things she need and dad said, money is the root of everything and he had to 'save' money for the future and mom's necessity was not really important.  I grew up thinking that I had to marry a rich man or become capable by myself, so I won't end up frustrated and will not worry about things that will happened in the future. *facepalm.

My mom always remind us to study hard, should possessed good jobs in the future, and we should capable to handle ourselves just in case anything bad happened, since we (me and my siblings) were kid. Being reminded like this from time to time, I get over thinking about how to survive my adult life. Like, fuck life. Are you really this bad? Why I have to worry about life since I was about 15 years old... like, worrying how much money I can make after I get job. Can I afford myself and my family?

And then I get afraid of facing the life. I get paranoid of making a wrong decision. There's nobody really understand the real me and what actually inside my fucking mind.

I once had a friend who always telling me, just go on with life. Nothing really matters. I still remember he told me, " Nothing really matters to me in life. Because I always just follow the flow, When good things happened, that's my luck. When bad things happened, that will not last forever,"
Just like our friendship that was not last forever, he left when I still need guidance to understand what actually I have to do for living.

And then I made up my mind, whenever I have to take decision, I have to think carefully and I have 5 years planning ahead. I always put my self in between of "faith and destiny" and "struggling to achieve what I need". Often time, I never include anybody whenever I have to make decision, especially when it can affect my life for a longer period. Because, when somebody help me to take decision, I cannot guarantee s/he will be there for me forever to face the consequences together with me. Even my shadow will leave me sometimes when the sky turn grey, how do you expect me to trust people to stay with me "forever". No. No things like that. Most of the time, I am the one who gonna help myself.

Well, for the time being, I am still struggling to have more stable life. I sometimes had the idea to include my dad in my decision. Like, I am going to buy new car. I need 3 months to sum some amount of money in my bank. To plan perfectly on how I'm going to manage my money for car, another expenses, bills, loan and so on after this. I sometimes had the idea to ask my dad to help me to pay but then I re-think again, why I have to do this. My dad will not going to live forever to support me. At this age, I am supposed to start living my own and pay on my own.

God bless.

Memories #1

Few years back, I was living apart from my family because my college in which I took my first degree was in Peninsular Malaysia.

Life was hard back then because I am still a student and I don't get enough money to support myself.
I still remember I'm travelling alone to Peninsular Malaysia by air-flight because the fare was so expensive (2k++) for 1 way flight, and Dad said he cannot afford to buy more than for me. Nevermind then. I was just fine on that time, except for the time I missed my flight from Kuala Lumpur to Kuantan. :'(

Life in campus was so easy and systematic for me, I guess. I need to attend class from Monday to Friday, starting from 8.00 to 17.00 in the afternoon. Usually, I will just sleep during the weekend, but sometimes I will hit the town whenever I found out that my beauty stuffs were almost finished. I will go to church on Sunday, once in a blue moon.

I still remember those good old days in which I will spent my weekend (Friday night to Sunday night) playing my favorite game, DOTA. haha.  When I am not in the mood of playing, I will spend my days doing another things I love. Like, drawing and painting. Here, some of the photos of my arts that I took from my Facebook page.

"The awkward abstract"

"The Dead Tree"

The Sakura

The Sunset or Sunrise. I cannot Brain

I always wish somebody would take any of these drawing from me, but nobody did and I end up throwing it away during the last day I'm in the campus.

Besides of that, I sometimes have the eager to be slim and shady. I always thought I was fat back then but when I look back at my old photos, I never been fat. Only after I start working, I became a fat ass. I  sometimes spent my evening leisure time walking around campus and took Photos. My another hobby was obviously, Photography.

The sun ray

Up to the water Tank

View from the water tank

Actually, there are thousands of photos I took but I will only show this. I still remember the day I hang out with my dearest people from evening to early morning. We wait till the sun rise and took the pictures of the sun. So lovable. I miss them. I miss my dearest people.

Besides, when I was alone in the room, instead of studying, I rather playing with my makeup stuffs. Like seriously, I have a lot of makeup stuffs during my Campus life. I play with those makeup and change my face. I was also so obsessed with wigs. Damn.

Goth?wth

Fairies?

Look what I've done to myself. Omy God. Obviously, I am a good looking woman but people tend to judge me, like "you are only pretty because of makeup" yeah right. Whatever. I have a lot photos wearing makeup and wig but I cannot find it right now. Might be, I will be posting it on the next post. Hahaha.

I thought life going to be simple and easy after I finished studying. I thought I will have more times to do things I fond of after working. But things didn't go as planned. LOL.

Now, I see myself as a hectic young woman who work hard to earn for a living. I don't have enough time for myself. But I am too devastated to complaint.

I somehow miss the old me. Who was so positive, living simply with whatever I have (never demanding more than I can afford), I can trust myself and my own ability, never give up easily, and have very clear plan about my future. :(

I had gone too far from the path I should live with.
But Life goes on. *sighed.

Ain't no sunshine after the grey sky?

21 January 2015,
12.38 PM


The sky look gloomy since few days ago.
Just as gloomy as my heart. I hate pretending that I'm currently having a good day when actually, I am not. This is just the 21st day after New Year and I already felt so miserable. 

Like you know,
Too many people told me life is like a bicycle. In order to keep on moving, I have to keep on cycling. But, each person has different capabilities. And my strength and courage to continue facing every obstacles is not enough, I guess so. I am not strong enough to face things that ruining my day or even my life, especially when I have to go through it alone. 

On this 3rd week of January, I admit that I am such a loser.
I get angry over things I cannot handle.
I took the wrong opportunity. I get upset for things I cannot solve. 
Damn. 

I need time to recover and to get back my sanity. 
I lost interest in everything. Almost everything. I spend my day thinking on how to go on with life.
I used to love going to work and wait for the end of the month for my payslip.
But recently I am not in the mood of working. I hate the struggle of going to work. 

I hope this is just a temporary miserable situation.
Should I pray for salvation? 

*sighed*

Behind this Smile

Add caption

I have too many things on my mind.
I woke up everyday to struggle living.
I am in between of happiness and despair.
I want everything happened based on what I already planned.
But things always happen randomly.
All I ever learnt was, planning was some kind of wishes and it tend to make me disappointed.

I guess people will see me as an easy going, happy go lucky girl. But nobody really understand what exactly inside my mind.

I don't really have anybody to share everything. I tend to keep it myself.  Because I am afraid of people's opinion. I am afraid of objection.

I hate knowing the fact that I will be facing tomorrow, that tend to be so mysterious and don't even want to give me any hint on how to survive.

I am so despair.
I need time to recover.

Behind every smile I show, I already shed many tears I wouldn't show.

Diana.  

The People, After The Rain Had Gone

There was heavy raining outside and everybody running back home to  shelter themselves except those man and  woman, who decided to stay in the bus stop, wishing that the rain will stop soon. The man took a glimpse to her and realized, she was a pretty woman and start adoring her. The woman in the bus stop, luckily felt the same way and secretly wishing that he will be hers. However, they were stranger  to each other. That was the fact that force her to decide, to just ignoring him, ignoring the affection because she didn't knew him. The man decided to take the first step to get to know her despite of the fact that they were stranger. 
" I like you" He told her.
" But I don't know you. We just met accidentally. There are 0 possibility that we will meet again in the future" She said.
" But we can take the risk, and try... maybe we were destined for each other. I can always look for you after this," He suggested.
" I don't want.." She said and then the rain stopped. That was the last time they met. 
After the rain had gone, they leave the bus stop... going to their own destination and never meet again.

This is a metaphor.

How many of you ever fall in love to someone You just met? You don't know his/her background, but the affection made you claimed that s/he was your love at the first sight. Then,you tend to make a risky move to get him/her, without thinking about the consequences that might hurt you in the future. 

But for me, 
Sometimes, just sometimes.... it worth to take the risk if somebody really meant for you.

Diana

The Last Song

“I have faith that God will show you the answer. But you have to understand that sometimes it takes a while to be able to recognize what God wants you to do. That's how it often is. God's voice is usually nothing more than a whisper, and you have to listen very carefully to hear it. But other times, in those rarest of moments, the answer is obvious and rings as loud as a church bell.” 
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

Almost Losing my Momentum

19 January 2015,

It's just 19 days after new year. And I already feel losing my momentum to go on. 

I have the anxiety to face tomorrow. I am afraid of bad news. I am afraid of unfulfilled wishes.

I learnt that not everything happened according to plan. Like, I am hoping I can work in better Prpject with a new company, but end up staying in the same project. I always see myself 2 years ahead. And I am so afraid of failure. 

I want to kneel and pray but It's been a while since the last time I did that.

Do you think God still care for me? 

Diana