Paranoid

It's been a while since the last time i write something in here.... too many things had changed, including myself...:D "i hope I changed for good. Hopefully.

Sometimes I hate myself for being a deep thinker. I get jealous with some people who lived the life they always wanted, Unlike me. I wanted to be free but I have an obligation in life.
I still remember a year ago, when I randomly made decisions to go far away from my current life at the moment, because I am too depressed with everything and everyone. But planning is easier than execution.

Sometimes I feel like my life is too random. I mean, it changing in a blink of eyes.
Once upon a time I used to think life is easy and future is not something I should be worry of. But then, as time passing by, things always happened not based on what I wish or want. People changed. Commitment changed. And then, life story changed.

I met many people who keep on making me changing my perception about life.
I agreed that people that came into our life are not coincidence. But God had sent them to us, either to give us a lesson or to learn from us. Some of them teaching me to be independent and full of courage because we can't predict what will happen in the future. And, some of them taught me to just live the life I want without worry because life is too short to be worry of. I am in between of both, Like, seriously,

As if only I am just living for myself, then I have nothing to scared of. But I am living for myself and for others. Being the 'pillars' daughter is one of my major task.

I had spent my younger age pleasing people around me including my family. As if only they knew I don't want to be 'me' today, I hate my job, I didn't enjoy my current life but for the sake of their happiness then I have to be strong for it., well., *sighed.
I always get paranoid that I can't stay strong for a longer time being like this. I always felt that I have reached my limitation of being too independent and pushing myself to do something I dislike to do. I am scared that in the near future, I will no longer can do something beneficial,hence will not be appreciated anymore,.

Dear God, You always knew how messed up I am even I'd tried my best to cover it up. Forgive me for being weak. I hope I can stay stronger for a little bit more.