The myths of Purity

“For women especially, virginity has become the easy answer- the morality quick fix. You can be vapid, stupid, and unethical, but so long as you've never had sex, you're a "good" (i.e. "moral) girl and therefore worthy of praise.” ― Jessica Valenti, 

“While boys are taught that the things that make them men--good men--are universally accepted ethical ideals, women are led to believe that our moral compass lies somewhere between our legs. Literally.” 
― Jessica Valenti, 

I have been thinking about this since I don't know when, but I'm sure that was when my brain started to function correctly.

I called it double standard. In which, people made funny meme, telling the world that when a guy fucked with many girls, that doesn't make him a slut but a 'master-key' who can opened as many keys(women) that he loves. But when it comes to women sleeping with many guys, she was officially a slut. A bitch. A hooker. Whatever you may call her.

I still remember a few months back, when I had the chance to hang out with a friend from Vietnam, who spent his life mostly living in USA. I can say that I am actually like  the way he explaining things and his perception about things. I still remember the times he asked me if I already have boyfriend or not. And then he asked me if I was a virgin or not, because he said, I have a great figure in which, usually owned by woman who's having great sex life.

"I am 24 years old and I never slept with anybody. I am not a bad girl," I told him. And then he looked at me astonished. "Do you said, having sex is bad? making you a bad girl?"

That was the day I started to open my mind for things I never wanted to accept. I was raised within a culture in which, teaching me that as a woman, we shall be 'pure' till the day of our marriage. That was the biggest sin to lose virginity If I am not marry yet. I will be worthless and lost my dignity. I will be labelled as a Bitch, and my parent will never be proud of me. Nobody will marry me if I am not a virgin anymore. That's it. These advices haunting us for years.

I used to ask my parent, "Why man don't want to marry me if I am no longer pure?" then they replied," Because having sex before marriage is a sin and only slut doing that. You are not a slut," "How if I get marry with someone who already not pure? I am marrying a man-slut then?" Unfortunately, the term and condition was only applicable to women. Not men.

That was the day I understand that, I can be clever, pretty, asshole, dumb and so on, as long as I am still a virgin, I can be proud of myself. Women's morality will be judged based on the word "virgin or not". I can say that I am a bit disagree with it, but what can I do?

The easiest way to make myself less valuable is to have sex. Don't mind about my past achievements. My greatest things that I already did for others. As long I am not a virgin before getting marry, I am no longer valuable. Easy as that.

"You will never be happy in your life, If you commit sex before marriage" that was the ultimate curse I ever heard. Whatever then.
I thought God will forgive people's sin.
What is the purpose of praying and asking for a good life when in the end, sex will make your whole life miserable.

I thought that going to garage won't make you a car, Going to church won't make you a saint. And having sex won't make you a slut.

The Day I started to realize, I am beyond Imperfect.

The good old days. I want my old figure back

Recently, I had spent most of my time wishing I was someone else. I am not really sure what had happened to me, but I keep on feeling that I am beyond imperfect.

I became so pessimistic. I don't want to see the good things that I have. I keep on searching my weaknesses and feel sorry about it.

I started to blame myself for not taking care of myself.  I keep on thinking I am supposed to be better than this.

I hate looking at the mirror recently. I was like, I don't feel like I had doing something better for myself. I hate my face. I hate my hair. I hate my body. I hate myself.

Maybe I am just too emotional. I hate to accept the fact that I am actually nothing but why I behave like I was something. I blame myself for making people liking me, falling in love with me and most of all, I blame myself for letting the good guy to love me.

I am beyond imperfect. I don't have something to be proud of. I am too ordinary to be special. I am so pessimistic. I am the example of worthless.

You have wasting your time trying to love me.
When I don't even try to love myself.


Diana

Wish Upon a Wishing Star

Just so you know,

I need to control myself 

I shall not let others see me crying

Pretending I do not care about you 

Wish not thinking of you 

Blame myself for not having courage to face this.

My heart hurts that I could not breathe

I could not find footprints that you left

Open my eyes looking at you 

But I am helpless 

To let you disappear from my eyes.

I could not find the reason to be strong 

Could no longer feel your warmth

Tell me where is the star universe

Does the place have an end...

So I wish upon a wishing star…

Let you know I love you .

And I don't want to be apart from you. 

Even for a Day.

If you are given 100 Years to live, I will wish to live 100-1 years

So I will live everyday with you by my side, till the last breath I take.

Diana Erika Phillip

New Chapter in Life

When a woman did something extraordinary, that's mean she's going to change her life.

Latest books in my reading list

I am not an occasional book readers, but when I did, that's mean I am thinking of doing something.
At this moment, I am thinking on rectifying my life. I need better planning. I am afraid of failure but at the same time, I was so optimist that I still can change my life and creating a better future for myself. God bless me.

Moment like this

It's been a hectic life for me recently  I guess.
I am not that kind of people who can handle long term pressure and stress. I always need some refreshments and doing things that can make me happy. I love spending time with people whom I love. I love sharing good moment with important people. I never get bored hanging out especially with those who I can count on to make me happy.
Throwback time when I'm enjoying good foods, nice conversation that make me feel alive... I knew someone was meant so much for me when I get butterflies whenever I'm with him. :)

Settle Down

And this wise man said,

"Don't marry for sex, don't marry because you are of age.
don't marry because you are getting old,
don't marry because you are lonely, don't marry
because you need someone to support you
financially, don't marry because you mistakenly got pregnant.
don't marry because you don't want to
lose the person, don't marry because of family
pressures, don't marry because you like the idea of marriage and admire every wedding gown you see.
don't marry because all your friends are getting
married.
But get married because you are in love, get married cos he or she is your best friend and when that love is no more he or she can still make you smile...-John Dumelo

#somedayiwillgetmarried

Even my shadow will leave me sometimes when the sky turn grey

Let me walk by my own, freely

Sometimes in life, I think I shall be capable to handle situation and to trust myself whenever I wish to do something, especially when it comes about decision I have to take that can affect my whole life.

I get angry when people try to manage my life and make decision for me, like they are going to be with me forever to handle the consequences after that. *sighed.

I am 25 years old which is mean, averagely I will have another 40 years to live.
Over the time, I get confused on how to live the right way because I cannot understand my parent's upbringing to me. Like, my mom complaining that dad was stingy and don't want to buy things she need and dad said, money is the root of everything and he had to 'save' money for the future and mom's necessity was not really important.  I grew up thinking that I had to marry a rich man or become capable by myself, so I won't end up frustrated and will not worry about things that will happened in the future. *facepalm.

My mom always remind us to study hard, should possessed good jobs in the future, and we should capable to handle ourselves just in case anything bad happened, since we (me and my siblings) were kid. Being reminded like this from time to time, I get over thinking about how to survive my adult life. Like, fuck life. Are you really this bad? Why I have to worry about life since I was about 15 years old... like, worrying how much money I can make after I get job. Can I afford myself and my family?

And then I get afraid of facing the life. I get paranoid of making a wrong decision. There's nobody really understand the real me and what actually inside my fucking mind.

I once had a friend who always telling me, just go on with life. Nothing really matters. I still remember he told me, " Nothing really matters to me in life. Because I always just follow the flow, When good things happened, that's my luck. When bad things happened, that will not last forever,"
Just like our friendship that was not last forever, he left when I still need guidance to understand what actually I have to do for living.

And then I made up my mind, whenever I have to take decision, I have to think carefully and I have 5 years planning ahead. I always put my self in between of "faith and destiny" and "struggling to achieve what I need". Often time, I never include anybody whenever I have to make decision, especially when it can affect my life for a longer period. Because, when somebody help me to take decision, I cannot guarantee s/he will be there for me forever to face the consequences together with me. Even my shadow will leave me sometimes when the sky turn grey, how do you expect me to trust people to stay with me "forever". No. No things like that. Most of the time, I am the one who gonna help myself.

Well, for the time being, I am still struggling to have more stable life. I sometimes had the idea to include my dad in my decision. Like, I am going to buy new car. I need 3 months to sum some amount of money in my bank. To plan perfectly on how I'm going to manage my money for car, another expenses, bills, loan and so on after this. I sometimes had the idea to ask my dad to help me to pay but then I re-think again, why I have to do this. My dad will not going to live forever to support me. At this age, I am supposed to start living my own and pay on my own.

God bless.