New Chapter in Life

When a woman did something extraordinary, that's mean she's going to change her life.

Latest books in my reading list

I am not an occasional book readers, but when I did, that's mean I am thinking of doing something.
At this moment, I am thinking on rectifying my life. I need better planning. I am afraid of failure but at the same time, I was so optimist that I still can change my life and creating a better future for myself. God bless me.

Even my shadow will leave me sometimes when the sky turn grey

Let me walk by my own, freely

Sometimes in life, I think I shall be capable to handle situation and to trust myself whenever I wish to do something, especially when it comes about decision I have to take that can affect my whole life.

I get angry when people try to manage my life and make decision for me, like they are going to be with me forever to handle the consequences after that. *sighed.

I am 25 years old which is mean, averagely I will have another 40 years to live.
Over the time, I get confused on how to live the right way because I cannot understand my parent's upbringing to me. Like, my mom complaining that dad was stingy and don't want to buy things she need and dad said, money is the root of everything and he had to 'save' money for the future and mom's necessity was not really important.  I grew up thinking that I had to marry a rich man or become capable by myself, so I won't end up frustrated and will not worry about things that will happened in the future. *facepalm.

My mom always remind us to study hard, should possessed good jobs in the future, and we should capable to handle ourselves just in case anything bad happened, since we (me and my siblings) were kid. Being reminded like this from time to time, I get over thinking about how to survive my adult life. Like, fuck life. Are you really this bad? Why I have to worry about life since I was about 15 years old... like, worrying how much money I can make after I get job. Can I afford myself and my family?

And then I get afraid of facing the life. I get paranoid of making a wrong decision. There's nobody really understand the real me and what actually inside my fucking mind.

I once had a friend who always telling me, just go on with life. Nothing really matters. I still remember he told me, " Nothing really matters to me in life. Because I always just follow the flow, When good things happened, that's my luck. When bad things happened, that will not last forever,"
Just like our friendship that was not last forever, he left when I still need guidance to understand what actually I have to do for living.

And then I made up my mind, whenever I have to take decision, I have to think carefully and I have 5 years planning ahead. I always put my self in between of "faith and destiny" and "struggling to achieve what I need". Often time, I never include anybody whenever I have to make decision, especially when it can affect my life for a longer period. Because, when somebody help me to take decision, I cannot guarantee s/he will be there for me forever to face the consequences together with me. Even my shadow will leave me sometimes when the sky turn grey, how do you expect me to trust people to stay with me "forever". No. No things like that. Most of the time, I am the one who gonna help myself.

Well, for the time being, I am still struggling to have more stable life. I sometimes had the idea to include my dad in my decision. Like, I am going to buy new car. I need 3 months to sum some amount of money in my bank. To plan perfectly on how I'm going to manage my money for car, another expenses, bills, loan and so on after this. I sometimes had the idea to ask my dad to help me to pay but then I re-think again, why I have to do this. My dad will not going to live forever to support me. At this age, I am supposed to start living my own and pay on my own.

God bless.

A dear Diana letter

Sometimes, you think, the hardest part for you is to choose, either to give up or to try harder.

You think you were screwed sometimes. Too much pressure and burden to handle within a short time.

Sometimes you think you cannot handle this. You cannot handle that. And then You think back, why you always downgrading yourself, when someone, trusting you that you can handle it. Trusting your ability. If they didn't trust you, Why they gave you the task at the first place?

When things get harder,
You just wish that you can keep on being strong. Think about the hardest thing that you used to handle, but in the end you still manage to finish it.

When things get harder,
Maybe you just need to give up. Maybe. Just maybe. Or perhaps, you should try harder. Double the efforts.
Trusting your own ability.

Remember,
Life is not easy. Especially when you are stupid. Once you started to learn on how to give up, forever you will never learnt on how to try hard to achieve something. People trust on you. Therefore, You should trust yourself then.

Look at yourself.
Look at the people that love you. You won't disappoint them, don't you?
Try.
Pray.
Learn.

The moment you start to give up, is always the moment,when miracle start to happen.

Good luck on learning the real meaning of being a human.

Regards,
Yourself