The Day I started to realize, I am beyond Imperfect.

The good old days. I want my old figure back

Recently, I had spent most of my time wishing I was someone else. I am not really sure what had happened to me, but I keep on feeling that I am beyond imperfect.

I became so pessimistic. I don't want to see the good things that I have. I keep on searching my weaknesses and feel sorry about it.

I started to blame myself for not taking care of myself.  I keep on thinking I am supposed to be better than this.

I hate looking at the mirror recently. I was like, I don't feel like I had doing something better for myself. I hate my face. I hate my hair. I hate my body. I hate myself.

Maybe I am just too emotional. I hate to accept the fact that I am actually nothing but why I behave like I was something. I blame myself for making people liking me, falling in love with me and most of all, I blame myself for letting the good guy to love me.

I am beyond imperfect. I don't have something to be proud of. I am too ordinary to be special. I am so pessimistic. I am the example of worthless.

You have wasting your time trying to love me.
When I don't even try to love myself.


Diana

Wish Upon a Wishing Star

Just so you know,

I need to control myself 

I shall not let others see me crying

Pretending I do not care about you 

Wish not thinking of you 

Blame myself for not having courage to face this.

My heart hurts that I could not breathe

I could not find footprints that you left

Open my eyes looking at you 

But I am helpless 

To let you disappear from my eyes.

I could not find the reason to be strong 

Could no longer feel your warmth

Tell me where is the star universe

Does the place have an end...

So I wish upon a wishing star…

Let you know I love you .

And I don't want to be apart from you. 

Even for a Day.

If you are given 100 Years to live, I will wish to live 100-1 years

So I will live everyday with you by my side, till the last breath I take.

Diana Erika Phillip

New Chapter in Life

When a woman did something extraordinary, that's mean she's going to change her life.

Latest books in my reading list

I am not an occasional book readers, but when I did, that's mean I am thinking of doing something.
At this moment, I am thinking on rectifying my life. I need better planning. I am afraid of failure but at the same time, I was so optimist that I still can change my life and creating a better future for myself. God bless me.

Moment like this

It's been a hectic life for me recently  I guess.
I am not that kind of people who can handle long term pressure and stress. I always need some refreshments and doing things that can make me happy. I love spending time with people whom I love. I love sharing good moment with important people. I never get bored hanging out especially with those who I can count on to make me happy.
Throwback time when I'm enjoying good foods, nice conversation that make me feel alive... I knew someone was meant so much for me when I get butterflies whenever I'm with him. :)

Settle Down

And this wise man said,

"Don't marry for sex, don't marry because you are of age.
don't marry because you are getting old,
don't marry because you are lonely, don't marry
because you need someone to support you
financially, don't marry because you mistakenly got pregnant.
don't marry because you don't want to
lose the person, don't marry because of family
pressures, don't marry because you like the idea of marriage and admire every wedding gown you see.
don't marry because all your friends are getting
married.
But get married because you are in love, get married cos he or she is your best friend and when that love is no more he or she can still make you smile...-John Dumelo

#somedayiwillgetmarried

Even my shadow will leave me sometimes when the sky turn grey

Let me walk by my own, freely

Sometimes in life, I think I shall be capable to handle situation and to trust myself whenever I wish to do something, especially when it comes about decision I have to take that can affect my whole life.

I get angry when people try to manage my life and make decision for me, like they are going to be with me forever to handle the consequences after that. *sighed.

I am 25 years old which is mean, averagely I will have another 40 years to live.
Over the time, I get confused on how to live the right way because I cannot understand my parent's upbringing to me. Like, my mom complaining that dad was stingy and don't want to buy things she need and dad said, money is the root of everything and he had to 'save' money for the future and mom's necessity was not really important.  I grew up thinking that I had to marry a rich man or become capable by myself, so I won't end up frustrated and will not worry about things that will happened in the future. *facepalm.

My mom always remind us to study hard, should possessed good jobs in the future, and we should capable to handle ourselves just in case anything bad happened, since we (me and my siblings) were kid. Being reminded like this from time to time, I get over thinking about how to survive my adult life. Like, fuck life. Are you really this bad? Why I have to worry about life since I was about 15 years old... like, worrying how much money I can make after I get job. Can I afford myself and my family?

And then I get afraid of facing the life. I get paranoid of making a wrong decision. There's nobody really understand the real me and what actually inside my fucking mind.

I once had a friend who always telling me, just go on with life. Nothing really matters. I still remember he told me, " Nothing really matters to me in life. Because I always just follow the flow, When good things happened, that's my luck. When bad things happened, that will not last forever,"
Just like our friendship that was not last forever, he left when I still need guidance to understand what actually I have to do for living.

And then I made up my mind, whenever I have to take decision, I have to think carefully and I have 5 years planning ahead. I always put my self in between of "faith and destiny" and "struggling to achieve what I need". Often time, I never include anybody whenever I have to make decision, especially when it can affect my life for a longer period. Because, when somebody help me to take decision, I cannot guarantee s/he will be there for me forever to face the consequences together with me. Even my shadow will leave me sometimes when the sky turn grey, how do you expect me to trust people to stay with me "forever". No. No things like that. Most of the time, I am the one who gonna help myself.

Well, for the time being, I am still struggling to have more stable life. I sometimes had the idea to include my dad in my decision. Like, I am going to buy new car. I need 3 months to sum some amount of money in my bank. To plan perfectly on how I'm going to manage my money for car, another expenses, bills, loan and so on after this. I sometimes had the idea to ask my dad to help me to pay but then I re-think again, why I have to do this. My dad will not going to live forever to support me. At this age, I am supposed to start living my own and pay on my own.

God bless.

Memories #1

Few years back, I was living apart from my family because my college in which I took my first degree was in Peninsular Malaysia.

Life was hard back then because I am still a student and I don't get enough money to support myself.
I still remember I'm travelling alone to Peninsular Malaysia by air-flight because the fare was so expensive (2k++) for 1 way flight, and Dad said he cannot afford to buy more than for me. Nevermind then. I was just fine on that time, except for the time I missed my flight from Kuala Lumpur to Kuantan. :'(

Life in campus was so easy and systematic for me, I guess. I need to attend class from Monday to Friday, starting from 8.00 to 17.00 in the afternoon. Usually, I will just sleep during the weekend, but sometimes I will hit the town whenever I found out that my beauty stuffs were almost finished. I will go to church on Sunday, once in a blue moon.

I still remember those good old days in which I will spent my weekend (Friday night to Sunday night) playing my favorite game, DOTA. haha.  When I am not in the mood of playing, I will spend my days doing another things I love. Like, drawing and painting. Here, some of the photos of my arts that I took from my Facebook page.

"The awkward abstract"

"The Dead Tree"

The Sakura

The Sunset or Sunrise. I cannot Brain

I always wish somebody would take any of these drawing from me, but nobody did and I end up throwing it away during the last day I'm in the campus.

Besides of that, I sometimes have the eager to be slim and shady. I always thought I was fat back then but when I look back at my old photos, I never been fat. Only after I start working, I became a fat ass. I  sometimes spent my evening leisure time walking around campus and took Photos. My another hobby was obviously, Photography.

The sun ray

Up to the water Tank

View from the water tank

Actually, there are thousands of photos I took but I will only show this. I still remember the day I hang out with my dearest people from evening to early morning. We wait till the sun rise and took the pictures of the sun. So lovable. I miss them. I miss my dearest people.

Besides, when I was alone in the room, instead of studying, I rather playing with my makeup stuffs. Like seriously, I have a lot of makeup stuffs during my Campus life. I play with those makeup and change my face. I was also so obsessed with wigs. Damn.

Goth?wth

Fairies?

Look what I've done to myself. Omy God. Obviously, I am a good looking woman but people tend to judge me, like "you are only pretty because of makeup" yeah right. Whatever. I have a lot photos wearing makeup and wig but I cannot find it right now. Might be, I will be posting it on the next post. Hahaha.

I thought life going to be simple and easy after I finished studying. I thought I will have more times to do things I fond of after working. But things didn't go as planned. LOL.

Now, I see myself as a hectic young woman who work hard to earn for a living. I don't have enough time for myself. But I am too devastated to complaint.

I somehow miss the old me. Who was so positive, living simply with whatever I have (never demanding more than I can afford), I can trust myself and my own ability, never give up easily, and have very clear plan about my future. :(

I had gone too far from the path I should live with.
But Life goes on. *sighed.