Memories #1

Few years back, I was living apart from my family because my college in which I took my first degree was in Peninsular Malaysia.

Life was hard back then because I am still a student and I don't get enough money to support myself.
I still remember I'm travelling alone to Peninsular Malaysia by air-flight because the fare was so expensive (2k++) for 1 way flight, and Dad said he cannot afford to buy more than for me. Nevermind then. I was just fine on that time, except for the time I missed my flight from Kuala Lumpur to Kuantan. :'(

Life in campus was so easy and systematic for me, I guess. I need to attend class from Monday to Friday, starting from 8.00 to 17.00 in the afternoon. Usually, I will just sleep during the weekend, but sometimes I will hit the town whenever I found out that my beauty stuffs were almost finished. I will go to church on Sunday, once in a blue moon.

I still remember those good old days in which I will spent my weekend (Friday night to Sunday night) playing my favorite game, DOTA. haha.  When I am not in the mood of playing, I will spend my days doing another things I love. Like, drawing and painting. Here, some of the photos of my arts that I took from my Facebook page.

"The awkward abstract"

"The Dead Tree"

The Sakura

The Sunset or Sunrise. I cannot Brain

I always wish somebody would take any of these drawing from me, but nobody did and I end up throwing it away during the last day I'm in the campus.

Besides of that, I sometimes have the eager to be slim and shady. I always thought I was fat back then but when I look back at my old photos, I never been fat. Only after I start working, I became a fat ass. I  sometimes spent my evening leisure time walking around campus and took Photos. My another hobby was obviously, Photography.

The sun ray

Up to the water Tank

View from the water tank

Actually, there are thousands of photos I took but I will only show this. I still remember the day I hang out with my dearest people from evening to early morning. We wait till the sun rise and took the pictures of the sun. So lovable. I miss them. I miss my dearest people.

Besides, when I was alone in the room, instead of studying, I rather playing with my makeup stuffs. Like seriously, I have a lot of makeup stuffs during my Campus life. I play with those makeup and change my face. I was also so obsessed with wigs. Damn.

Goth?wth

Fairies?

Look what I've done to myself. Omy God. Obviously, I am a good looking woman but people tend to judge me, like "you are only pretty because of makeup" yeah right. Whatever. I have a lot photos wearing makeup and wig but I cannot find it right now. Might be, I will be posting it on the next post. Hahaha.

I thought life going to be simple and easy after I finished studying. I thought I will have more times to do things I fond of after working. But things didn't go as planned. LOL.

Now, I see myself as a hectic young woman who work hard to earn for a living. I don't have enough time for myself. But I am too devastated to complaint.

I somehow miss the old me. Who was so positive, living simply with whatever I have (never demanding more than I can afford), I can trust myself and my own ability, never give up easily, and have very clear plan about my future. :(

I had gone too far from the path I should live with.
But Life goes on. *sighed.

Ain't no sunshine after the grey sky?

21 January 2015,
12.38 PM


The sky look gloomy since few days ago.
Just as gloomy as my heart. I hate pretending that I'm currently having a good day when actually, I am not. This is just the 21st day after New Year and I already felt so miserable. 

Like you know,
Too many people told me life is like a bicycle. In order to keep on moving, I have to keep on cycling. But, each person has different capabilities. And my strength and courage to continue facing every obstacles is not enough, I guess so. I am not strong enough to face things that ruining my day or even my life, especially when I have to go through it alone. 

On this 3rd week of January, I admit that I am such a loser.
I get angry over things I cannot handle.
I took the wrong opportunity. I get upset for things I cannot solve. 
Damn. 

I need time to recover and to get back my sanity. 
I lost interest in everything. Almost everything. I spend my day thinking on how to go on with life.
I used to love going to work and wait for the end of the month for my payslip.
But recently I am not in the mood of working. I hate the struggle of going to work. 

I hope this is just a temporary miserable situation.
Should I pray for salvation? 

*sighed*

Behind this Smile

Add caption

I have too many things on my mind.
I woke up everyday to struggle living.
I am in between of happiness and despair.
I want everything happened based on what I already planned.
But things always happen randomly.
All I ever learnt was, planning was some kind of wishes and it tend to make me disappointed.

I guess people will see me as an easy going, happy go lucky girl. But nobody really understand what exactly inside my mind.

I don't really have anybody to share everything. I tend to keep it myself.  Because I am afraid of people's opinion. I am afraid of objection.

I hate knowing the fact that I will be facing tomorrow, that tend to be so mysterious and don't even want to give me any hint on how to survive.

I am so despair.
I need time to recover.

Behind every smile I show, I already shed many tears I wouldn't show.

Diana.  

The People, After The Rain Had Gone

There was heavy raining outside and everybody running back home to  shelter themselves except those man and  woman, who decided to stay in the bus stop, wishing that the rain will stop soon. The man took a glimpse to her and realized, she was a pretty woman and start adoring her. The woman in the bus stop, luckily felt the same way and secretly wishing that he will be hers. However, they were stranger  to each other. That was the fact that force her to decide, to just ignoring him, ignoring the affection because she didn't knew him. The man decided to take the first step to get to know her despite of the fact that they were stranger. 
" I like you" He told her.
" But I don't know you. We just met accidentally. There are 0 possibility that we will meet again in the future" She said.
" But we can take the risk, and try... maybe we were destined for each other. I can always look for you after this," He suggested.
" I don't want.." She said and then the rain stopped. That was the last time they met. 
After the rain had gone, they leave the bus stop... going to their own destination and never meet again.

This is a metaphor.

How many of you ever fall in love to someone You just met? You don't know his/her background, but the affection made you claimed that s/he was your love at the first sight. Then,you tend to make a risky move to get him/her, without thinking about the consequences that might hurt you in the future. 

But for me, 
Sometimes, just sometimes.... it worth to take the risk if somebody really meant for you.

Diana

The Last Song

“I have faith that God will show you the answer. But you have to understand that sometimes it takes a while to be able to recognize what God wants you to do. That's how it often is. God's voice is usually nothing more than a whisper, and you have to listen very carefully to hear it. But other times, in those rarest of moments, the answer is obvious and rings as loud as a church bell.” 
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

Almost Losing my Momentum

19 January 2015,

It's just 19 days after new year. And I already feel losing my momentum to go on. 

I have the anxiety to face tomorrow. I am afraid of bad news. I am afraid of unfulfilled wishes.

I learnt that not everything happened according to plan. Like, I am hoping I can work in better Prpject with a new company, but end up staying in the same project. I always see myself 2 years ahead. And I am so afraid of failure. 

I want to kneel and pray but It's been a while since the last time I did that.

Do you think God still care for me? 

Diana

Because all we need were Faith and Trust

Its been a while since the last time I am writing something in this lonely Blog.
Haha. The fact is that, I only had desire to post something if I have something beneficial to talk about.
Like the wise man said, if you have nothing good to say, it is better to left unsaid.

Ok back to the my intention on writing this post.

I had been working for a year and to be honest, I still have a lot of things to improve. That is why I hate complaining about my salary and so on. I do things usually based on honesty and intention to improve myself. Like somebody told me, in Islam, gaining knowledge is a way to get "Pahala" (rewards that God will grant for us). Well I am not a Muslim indeed, but as far as I concern, I learn and instil every good deeds taught in every beliefs and religion.
I had seen many peoples who trying hard to be  super good to their Boss/Manager and willing to do anything asked, just because they want to 'look good' and beneficial to their  Boss. In fact, this is because, some people really taught that it was their Boss who will have the power to decide their opportunity to get Job or to continue working.
Well for me, I always try my best to do anything asked by my superior because I don't like to disappoint them.I am willing to do anything just for the sake of helping and because,it was my job. I don't have the intention to impress,but if my Superior was being impress with me, then I will be glad. Because I knew I had did something right and I already can contribute something. I am not that kind of person,who will use my face or my body or my 'stupidity' to get promotion. In fact, I never gave a damn. Why? because I'm holding one principal  for my working life.
"If I try my best during working, never betraying others, helping as much as I can, Work smart because I knew I can do it, being grateful of everything I had even when others told me I shall ask more,even when my Superior cannot see what I am doing, but God never been Blind"
Well, I might be rude sometimes, some of my Bosses disliking me because I don't know how to pretend to be good with them, and I never hesitate to criticize whenever I found they had done something 'wrong'.  *sighed.
If I was really that bad, my ex-Superior (from another company) wouldn't try to plead me to stay but unfortunately I can't due to my company policy.
Last but not least, Just for reminder for myself and for those who agree,
"we don't have to be worry to try being pathetic and supporting 500% our Manager whenever s/he did something wrong. Sometimes we have to stand for our right and pride,avoid doing bad things. If our Boss,dislikes us, nevermind then. Maybe it was not the place for us to improve. And trust me, it was God who will decide the best opportunity for us. Not here,but might be at better place. Pray. A good employee will have the best employer. Do your best in working, never complaint, profit will follow sooner or later".

Because all we need, are faith and trust in God that someday, God will grant something better for us.

Regards,
Diana Erika Phillip